8-5-07 Tipping Point

I just spent the weekend at a "Dark Ages Faire" camping weekend. It was really fun Last Year--we had good weather and with the private campground, the combination of medieval period costumes and naked servants in collars was stunning.

This year it was cold and rainy. Everyone was wearing rain gear and was sort of cranky. No one felt like playing in the dungeon. The tents in the bazaar kept blowing over--I felt bad for the vendors. The Delicious Feast went off without a hitch and the belly dancers were exceptional. But all in all---it kinda sucked.

Personally, I spent WAY too much money on the whole affair. I rented a costume for the dinner. Only one person even noticed. And of course it wasn't the one I Wanted to notice.

Right now I feel like I just don't fit in Anywhere. I heard everyone talking and laughing and I just felt on the Outside.

It seems I am Too Strong for Both submissives and Dominants. I am a scary switch.

I have Always tried to be nice to people in the community here. I have spent time out of my day to make e-cards on Photoshop for people ---only to hear they gossip that I am insane. And I am So Sick of the Princess Bride and her entourage having such a great time and excluding me--when from her lips and tearful eyes I heard the story of how difficult it was to join the community in another state---how she was made to "jump thru hoops" and never felt good enough.

Now I am supposed to try to get back into her "good graces" according to a mutual friend.

Could she do my day? Could she get up in the middle of the night to her 7 year old sleeping on the couch with his diaper off and a poopy mess smeared from one end of the living room to the other? (It's not a job you can do in 5 inch heels) Could she spend every summer day in isolation with a child who constantly asks for either "pop please" (meaning soda) or "outside please" without ceasing and cannot even say "I Love you"?

Is it not a little bit Understandable that I would turn to a man on the internet that made me feel special and would call and talk to me for up to 2 hours a day?

But no, it is judged as "crazy".

But, he did turn out to be wrong for me.

And now I have Nothing.

Oh, I have my children....but Caregiver Burnout has Drained me Completely and they only Take from me...they do not give. (my older son is a teenager--the little one autistic)

I have Nothing that will replenish and sustain me




I want to Run Away from my life...............That is Not an Option

I might Quit the BDSM community..................Something I have never seriously considered before.

I had a Tarot reading last night at the Faire...............I got the Death card as an Outcome


It means Transition


Thank God/dess---I need a Change in a Big Way.