7-27-07 New Horizons

I need new goals.

My old ones were all wrapped somehow around a fantasy man and he is now dust.

I need new music too.

I identified ALL my favorite songs and albums with my feelings for the invisible man. Now I can't hear them and feel the original *Lift* of spirit that I did when I first heard them---because I think of him.

I almost let it wreck my love of French.

But I have decided to *Claim* that one before it goes bad.

I probably need some new sex fantasies too.

MAYBE I JUST NEED A BRAIN TRANSPLANT

Or something like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" with Jim Carrey.

Just wipe out that part of my hard drive.

It's only every quiet thought of mine for 3 years.



Maybe I expect too much out of a man---that he be honest and upfront about himself. Not play mind-fuck games with me. Not get angry and stop talking to me without telling me why.

Not to call me an "idiot" if I misunderstand something.

The HORRIBLE part for me is to have to see myself as one of "those" women who will stay with an emotionally abusive man no matter what.

I had excuses.

"Oh, he has done so much for me---inspired me to be a better person---made me work so hard."

"He has been abused himself as a child, he can't help how he acts"

"If I am Loving and Devoted enough, I can help him heal and he will stop his destructive behaviours"



First of all, it has been pointed out to me by Numerous Friends that I Probably would have turned my life around on my own.

Secondly, You CANNOT Love someone enough to heal them of their issues. Only they can do that. And ONLY if they want to.

And hey, if they are getting attention from women all over the place and they enjoy it---they have no reason to change.

So, bon appetit JP.


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As for me, I admit I am slightly discombobulated.

I LOVE designing dungeons, but I don't know if I would have gotten so seriously into it if it were not to impress him.

Now how do I go back to boring old regular interior design? I am already getting a rep as a kink in my design dept at school---and Interior Design is a small world.


I guess if I keep my eyes on the future and my feet in the present it will all work out somehow.

And maybe there is someone out there who has a good heart AND excites me thru and thru.



I just need to stay *Open* to the possibilities.