Grateful

Just sitting here, warm from the cold, my hunger fed and my loved ones safe and happy around me....I was Overcome with Gratefulness.

I let it *Flow* through me and sent it out as a prayer and a post to the world. First I typed out a message on Facebook, then I enjoyed moment of deep breathing that floated like a prayer to the heavens of my mind.

*Peace* to the World

I am So Blessed

October Snow

I haven't written in here since August. I am spurred on by the sudden prolific surge of blogging of my (ex) sister-in-law. It's some really good stuff and it inspired me to put words to page.

Not that I have been much. Tending the garden, as it were. As soon as school started for Elliot I we have been hitting the books right as he gets home. And I sit with him and help him if he needs it---and check all his work that he does alone. Nothing is going to get by me this year---no chance for lying or not doing assignments. I am Nazi-Mom when it comes to schoolwork! Three years of nearly failing or actually failing from procrastination and lying about homework Over! But I had some good news---his French teacher called saying he has the highest grades he's ever had with her! So it is working. And he is starting to feel the pride of doing well---I can see it in his eyes and carriage. He was sick for two days, and he emailed his teachers and got all his assignments and was caught up by the time he went back to school. That was Awesome. I would have stressed him out to the max before. So that is very good. But it is a lot of work to keep on him about it.

Aric is doing well in Therapy, I guess. I have had to step back from visiting him at MAC because they stress me out. I really don't believe in ABA therapy and it is hard for me to see him there. I would like to see him in the Sonrise program--but it is very Parent Intensive---meaning it would all be up to ME. Tom doesn't really agree with their program, and is happy with MAC. So I am just letting go and letting it be.

In fact, that is kind of my meditation and prayer lately. And it seems to be working. I have had a lot of stressful situations come up over the past year and instead of Reacting or worse yet, Overreacting, and making a bad situation Worse, I have learned to chill a lot more. Just take that deep breath and *wait* for a bit before Panicking and doing something I will just regret later.

Oh my, more Wisdom? I guess that means I am getting older. *sigh*

And it is snowing in October.

*Bright Blessings* to E/everyone

My New Bathroom Decor!!!

Well, the final coat of "Haunting Melody" deep burgundy paint finally got applied to my bathroom walls and ceiling. It looks really cool against the white with black flower motif. I am a happy woman! And it will be Glorious to take long relaxing baths in my beautiful new bathroom!!

Thanks L & L (and to my friends Don and Gordy who did the painting)

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

John Hughes 1950-2009

John Hughes, who directed my favorite movie of all time "Some Kind Of Wonderful" died today of a heart attack while he was out walking. Known for his teen movies of the 80's he also did such greats as the Vacation movies with Chevy Chase and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" with Steve Martin and John Candy.

He didn't do much of anything in the business in many years. But as far as I am concerned, he could have made the movie I love and none others and he would have been a genius in my mind.

"Some Kind of Wonderful" contains the Best First Kiss scene EVER! Very Hot!!! And the soundtrack is incredible. I took it to Europe with me in '88--so it is always linked with good memories in my mind.

Rest in Peace, John Hughes. You did well.

*Peace and Blessings*

Linda

Truth Be Told

For some people, communications break down at the first sign of a hitch. Not a good omen for working things out in the long haul, which is what I am interested in. Someone who walks away from a conversation without any explanation when you are in the beginning stages of getting to know each other, may repeat that behavior again and again whenever things don't go their way, or get a little tense.

Setting a limit with someone I had never met in person is just being smart and safe--and I didn't have any other reason for saying to a man I had met on the internet that he couldn't pick me up for our first meeting after the third day of talking.

I was telling him the experience that lead me to that rule. Foolishly getting into the car of a "nice handsome"man after talking for less than an hour at a wine bar that closed early. We got in his car to go to another bar down the block--I THOUGHT. He wound up driving me to the next town and pulling into a closed service station next to a dumpster and trying to have sex with me. Luckily he was grossed out because of my time of the month. (He was from Italy--they are weird about that stuff)

He was from a vanilla site called Plenty of Fish. He and the only other date I have had from there both told me they assumed that because I was into kink that I was going to to be easy.

The thing is this: I want the Whole Package. I want Hot Sex and I NEED Hot Sex badly. But I won't compromise my dignity to get it. I want to be treated like a Person--not a Sex Doll.

This new guy seemed to be into my mind and ideas--at first. By today he was like "What are u wearing?" When I asked if that was all he was here for, he said "No, but it's a good reason to stay, isn't it?"

Then when I explained that I needed to have my own car when I met him and why---he just said he had to GO and shut down cam, phone and instant message immediately. I tried to apologize in case he thought I was comparing him to the rapey guy--but no answer. I emailed and said I thought he was being rude---got an answer that I was too Dominant during our conversations and supposedly he felt interrupted too much. He didn't want to meet. (He wasn't one of the "weak-minded" guys I have been supposedly dating)

It's funny about the "feeling interrupted" thing. Because I felt that with him too. But I just chalked it up to Two People who were excited to have found each other and were just bubbling out conversation as quickly as possible!

So, better to know now than after I got attached I guess. He was a musician, he spoke French. At least I never heard him speak French on the phone--only typed on IM. He was witty and intelligent. He wasn't submissive, but he said he was open to switching sometimes. And truthfully, I was looking forward to melting into some Maleness right now.

I think men do enough "flirting" to get you interested...and then they turn down the charm when they think they have you--- to see if you stick around. That will test the level of how you will allow yourself to be treated. If they can get by with less than Sterling, why not?

Because, if he had been offended because he mistakenly thought I had been comparing him to the rapey guy---and then I sent the IM apologies--that should have been enough. But really, it is NOT too much for a gentleman to expect that a lady might want to feel safe---and probably a safe guy would want me to feel safe also, and do what he could to make me feel that way.

Because when I feel safe, I can relax and enjoy and just be there with him. And let the lust fall where it may. But has to me MY CHOICE---not forced on me by a guy who likes to see scared women. Only when I trust can I let go and relax and let someone else take the wheel for a while.

With each trial, my vision of what I need/want gets a little clearer. I guess I just keep going.

Cuz I do want it all--Lust, Companionship/Friendship and Love.

So Mote It Be.

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

Bright New Day!

This morning things seem brighter. Something got reconciled last evening---and my conscience is at rest. I found I acted appropriately for the situation I was dealt, and no hard feelings come this way.

I take relationships with others to heart. I like to do them well.

I had other good news yesterday--and a financial hassle that I still have to fix today. Paperwork that fell though my cracks for my son's funds. I HATE paperwork--bane of my existence. But I know if I muddle through it, it will all be good again.

Hmmmm....also made an Interesting connection online last night. Have to see where that fishing expedition leads. He certainly has spunk. (in the old fashioned sense---don't know about the fluid kind .....yet) *winx*


"Life is a great big canvas....throw as much paint on it as you can."

----Danny Kaye



That is one of my favorites.


*Bright Blessings*

Linda

Reflections on Recent Events

Things Happen Fast. The moments in Life just keep rolling like a train, and we puny humans are powerless to stop them in the long run. The most we can do is control how we REACT to the things happening around us.

I have heard some Empowerment Gurus speak of the word "Responsibility" as really being "Response-Ability", meaning your ability to respond is what comprises being "Responsible".

But sometimes we aren't aware that something Different is about to happen. Sometimes we are just following Routine. Not expecting that if we do the regular things we always do, that something could go tragically wrong, and we could suddenly be required to behave in a Different, Responsible, Able and possibly Quick manner.

And at the moment when we are called to do this Response-Able thing--it is usually just our Gut we have to rely on. Because it usually feels like the floor has fallen out beneath our feet, all the rules have changed, and all bets are off. And that tug in our gut telling us how to act is the Loudest Thing in the room.

We always hope that screaming intuition is full of Grace and Wisdom and Instant Ability. We always hope that it helps us to Respond Well. Because sometimes the situation just presents itself, and even taking a deep breath won't change things. It is what is is...Roll with it, baby.

So the Universe makes it's move, then you make yours. There it is then. Nothing left but the ripples.

**********************************************************************************

I handled a situation with the exact same reaction people had given me for similar behavior in the long ago past. It was my gut reaction. It was the gut reaction of the people who gave it to me. It needed to be, so I saw it was inappropriate and stopped doing it.

When I did it long ago, I would have wanted coddling. When confronted with it, I did not offer coddling---I had none to offer. I was too busy protecting myself with a healthy boundary.

I have empathy and understanding of the situation--but that is different than letting myself get enmeshed.

That was my level of Ability to Respond.


We all do our best, I believe.

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

Too Shy Shy

Some people are just REALLY Scared of Life. For some reason I get attracted to them. They run from their Fears....but on the outside, it looks like they are running from me.

My challenge is to not let it feel that way on the inside too.

And thank God/dess for good friends who will take you out for Chicken Wings and Wine and let you vent and make you laugh after a Date Gone Bad!

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

Tribute

This is a Tribute Post for a young girl who was killed by a a strike of lightning in front of her home. My prayers go out to her parents and family, along with the thoughts and prayers of many others.

*Peace*

Ball of Energy

I finally feel GOOD today--after 3 days of surrendering my body to a low energy tide caused by my "moon". But today, I am feeling better, clouds of migraine cleared from my mind. I am focused on my tasks at hand and I feel good about my weekend.

I have a couple little worries about going to the Energy in WIIWD group on Sunday. But worry is the Last kind of energy to put into it. I should Love and Let Go.

Back to work...and then a nice warm bath. My little one is at a respite place this weekend, where he likes to play with other kids his age who are autistic. I get some time alone and am having company over on Sat nite. It will be good to welcome others into my home for a change.

Better get rolling--got energy to burn!

*Bright Blessings* to All

Linda

Scattered Light Brain

I feel fragmented today. I have many things on my mind.

Like light fractured through a prism--shooting all over the room.

Aric's autism therapy.
My dinner party Saturday.
PMS (why do they call it that when the worst is DURING, not Pre?)
My older son (although, his issues have mellowed lately *smiles*)
Wanting to play (yes, the ^evil^ wicked kinky sort of playing)
Finishing my erotic story in my head--wanting to type it

I really need to just *focus*

And I will--cooking makes me do that. My last dinner party, something went awry, and I had to have someone else cook the main dish. I so much appreciated the help (I didn't know how to make beef stroganoff without the packets that my roommate had thrown away accidentally)--but I missed the zen that can happen in the kitchen when it's just me and the food and the chopping--and the dance of the timing to make it all *happen* at once.

And doing it all with a song in your heart. That is the key.

Maybe I will just start with the song, and the focus will follow.

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

My New Blogspace!!!

I finished uploading my Yahoo 360 blog last night to this space. I had lost interest in blogging when I heard that 360 was closing back in the winter of 08. But now that I have safely (if IMperfectly) transferred the data over--perhaps I will take up an interest in blogging once again.

I was going to actually edit..and leave out a couple bad rants of mine. But I was going like gangbusters and didn't pay attention to which post to stop at. When I noticed I had posted the one I didn't want to---and there was No Way to delete the post--I just figured I was meant to keep it all as a record of my bad side too. Why should I get to edit out my rough edges? And at least it shows change.

I also screwed up a bunch of dates and lost about 3 pics at the beginning. I may re-post those 3 just for pefection's sake.

But not just now---last night was Lots of Work!

*Bright Blessings* to All who read my words at my New Blogspace!

Linda Ophoenix

6-28-2008 Fragile

This is the Whale Shark.

It is the world's Biggest Fish. It eats plankton, the world's tiniest living beings.

It is endangered. I saw another picture of one on a boat being sliced up for steaks.

Meanwhile, The Largest Animal that Ever Lived--The Gray Whale---is only numbered in the hundreds now.

They think that the Ocean is so Big that they don't even cross paths to breed anymore.

*********

I have pink petunias outside my front door--and I put a nice crescent stone boarder in front of the shrubs. Aric helped me put it down---it was like a puzzle and he loves puzzles now.


I also put four fairy statues in my garden along with a unicorn and a gazing ball. There is also a castle birdhouse that was supposed to hang, but I put it in the bushes.

I found I had little white bells growing in the back of my shrubs---perfect for a fairy garden. *smiles*

Last summer Aric could only say "pop please" for Anything he wanted. Now he can say " I want an orange popcicle" ( or any color) Or "I want to go outside" and he is so less frustrated.

*********


 Fragile by Sting


Meanwhile, The Largest Animal that Ever Lived--The Gray Whale---is only numbered in the hundreds now.

They think that the Ocean is so Big that they don't even cross paths to breed anymore.


My garden is doing well.

The World needs to Tend as a Whole.

For We are Fragile.

1-9-08 Forty-two

 My birthday was last Sunday.

I used to make a big deal that I was born on the Epiphany...blah, blah, blah.

That was just Ego + Probability.

Now I am the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question. Which means the Ultimate Question to Life the Universe and Everything...is..."What age is Linda Ophoenix in 2008?"

Not likely.

I am going the Way of Candide this year.

You will find me Tending my Garden. Raising my children. Petting my puppy and cat. Making my home. Creating my Art.

Men will be boys. That is what I have learned in 2007. They Disappoint EVERYTIME.

Until one of them Really steps up and Shows Me differently---men are toys to Me.

And I will walk my Girl Dog (who listens WELL), remember we are ALL insignificant in this world and be Happy.

*smiles*


P.S. If you are not a Douglas Adams fan and you don't understand this entry...please Google him and ROFL. (For "Candide" see Voltaire)

12-22-07 Yule

The Solstice is the thing that helps me get through the long Minnesota Winter. Just knowing that the days start getting longer from here, and that means that spring is coming--it's enough to keep me going even though it's cold outside.

I am getting ready to have my family over for Christmas. It should be interesting, if not fun.

The puppy and the cat are starting to become friendly.

And I have a *special* guy friend.

*Smile*

Happy Holidays Everyone!

God/dess Bless Us ALL.

12-15-07 Windy

We got a ten week old cock-a-poo puppy last night.

She is very sweet and cuddled with me right away when I walked into the house where she lived.

She listens well and is doing well with training.

My boys are overjoyed!!!

My cat is not so happy.

I invite Chaos on a regular basis.

*Smiles*

12-6-07 Coming Home

         

Sometimes one has to go miles and miles away from home to realize how much it means to have a home.

My kids were like a breath of fresh air to me when I arrived home. My older son hugged me for like 5 minutes and my younger one is just cuddly and keeps telling me "Mommy, I love you" (which for an autistic young one is Major!)

I so much enjoyed the sunshine, summer breezes and sunsets on the Ocean....

But there is No Place Like Home.

12-4-08 Vacation!!!

Hey Everyone!
I am just ending a really cool trip to Florida.
I had not had a vacation in 10 years, so I just packed up my car and drove 24+ hours down to Glorious Sunshine and Greenery.
I left right before the snow poured down in Minnesota. *grin*
But now it is back to the icy cold.
But I miss my boys and besides--I would never want to spend Christmas here. I need snow to feel in the Christmas Spirit.
Down here I would be a Scrooge.
But spending a whole day sitting on the beach working on my crafts and finding tiny shells was pretty Awesome!

11-22-07 Happy Thanksgiving

The above picture is a warning to kinky people of what NOT to do with their turkey today. *smiles*

(A friend sent me that this a.m and I thought it was Very Funny--poor turkey!)

What I am thankful for today.....

My children
My home
My working vehicle
Enough food
My Friends
My creativity

Pretty basic, but things have been slim this year and I have had a chance to look at what counts most. It seems weird to me to put home, car and food above my Friends but I have been without two of those this year, and they are necessary for survival in my neck of the woods. (Well, I guess food and housing is for anyone---I have been blessed with a steady place to live at least!)

You will note Family is not included in my list.

All I can say is that I Am Trying.

*Bright Blessings* to all my 360 Friends--

(even those who don't give a hoot if the first Americans sat down with the Native Americans for a feast before we obliterated them.)

11-09-07 New Specs

11-07-07 My New Car

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got financing today for a 2004 Chevy Malibu.

Never had a car with sunroofs before. And air conditioning that Works!

Best thing is that I got warranties on it for 5 years for Everything.

No more missing events because my car might strand me.

Cool.

I named this one Buffy...after my favorite Vampire Slayer.

*smiles*

11-01-07 Buzz Lightyear

10-31-07 Jack Skellington

My son and I made this costume for him.

He's a big Tim Burton fan.

My little one was Buzz Lightyear.

10-31-07 All Hallows Eve

This is my car--a 1993 Pontiac Grand Prix.
I Love my car.
I even named her--Aurora.

That was because she has a red stripe and the only time I have ever seen the Northern Lights, it was a red streak in the sky.

She is the only car I have ever owned myself--not had to share with a man/husband.

And she is dying.

I paid $800 for her 2 years ago. She has run well, with some repairs. But lately the repairs are running a steady $2-300 a month.

And now she has stalled three times---and the mechanic cannot figure out what it is.

I don't have more money to repair her.

I don't have money for a new or different car.

Each trip I take I pray through--that she will get us there and back.

She has been running fine the past week, and I am grateful.

But I worry everyday.

Perhaps my ancestors will come and comfort me tonight, when the veil is thin.

10-29-07 Cool Little Video about Autism

YouTube Autism Video

This is a really awesome little piece made by an autistic youngster with a cheeky personality. ( He's British).

It's excellent at explaining the inside life of the autistic person.

10-24-07 Dream Time

This is a Dream I had about 2 weeks ago....
I was in the tents of the Sultan. For weeks my family had been his guests. He had wined and dined us, given us gifts of gold and livestock. All of this would put my family way beyond their means for generations to come. I was responsible for my family rising from the lowliest class to a life of relative comfort---all because the Sultan fell in love with me.
Now here we were alone, in his tent. He was Large and Dark, with a heavy beard. His eyes seemed to pierce me. His robes, woven with threads of gold among the red and purple, glimmered in the lamplight and made him look even larger. He scowled at me.
"Submit to me, woman--kneel at my feet at give me honor for I have taken your pitiful family out of the dirt and raised them up to respectibility. You should be so grateful to me that you would kiss the soles of my feet."
At that, I tore off the jewelry the Sultan had so "generously" given to me and ran to the door of the tent. At that point I didn't care what happened. I would be disowned by my family for leaving ---perhaps killed by the Sultan's guards. I just knew that I would not kneel to a man who demanded my precious submission as if he had a right to it. And I could certainly never kneel to a man who threw what he had given in my face as if it were a price he had paid.
But as I drew the curtain open and the minstrals and people making noise outside got louder, I suddenly , saw movement and shadow out of the corner of my eye and I let go of the tent door and as the curtain closed, I turned around...
The Sultan had dropped to his knees.
"I need you" he said. "I need you in my life and I love you more than life. Please stay."
I walked over to him, facing him--kneeled . Then I cuddled down in his arms *just a little lower* than him and looked up into those Fierce Dark Eyes and started talking to him like Best Friends.
***
This is where I woke.
It was a Beautiful Dream--the Sultan seemed a little cartoonish though--picture Bluto (Brutus) from Popeye.
I remember feeling genuinely touched when the Sultan kneeled. I felt all the feelings.
I know I would be the one kneeling in the morning.

10-14-07 The Final Result

Here it is....

My Studio.

(Ten minutes to midnight on Wed---I was sick for 2 days---but it's done.)

Now--time to Design.


and

Thank You God/dess

10-14-07 The "Mondrian" Wall

This is the wall you see on the right---with shelves over it.

10-14-07 Studio "After" Pic #1

I worked 12 hours on Saturday---most of them during the wee hours of last night--and I hit floor about 8:30 am.

Everything is organized and on the shelves. I have a few things left to put away, and a curtain to hang over a shelving unit on the opposing wall to the one pictured---and then I am done.

I feel very comfortable there. Elliot put my new table and chair together. They fit perfectly.

A long shot pic by Wed--it will be final by then.

Then on to the Fem Domme Dungeon for the website!

10-14-07 Before Pic #2

10-14-07 Feeling on Top Today

Isn't that a cute picture? A friend of mine from here sent it to me.

Blondes in pink Dominating a man--don't get better than that for me.

I am on a fitness kick right now and after a healthy breakfast went out and walked for 5o minutes with 2lb. weights on both ankles and both wrists. I kept a good pace the whole time and I feel great!

Ready to Kick Some Ass on my Studio!

Expect Pictures Soon.

10-13-07 Studio Before Pic #1

10-12-07 Encouraging Myself

I wrote these words to myself today on Microsoft Word. I wanted to see them against a black background...so I thought I might as well post them here to meditate on them.



Linda,

Everything is going to be All Right.

You are Strong. You Will Get Through This Time.

You Can Finish Your Studio.

You Can Finish Your New Dungeon.

You Can Finish Your Degree.

You Can Finish Getting Fit.

You Can Find Someone Who Loves You that You Love Back.

Do NOT get discouraged.

Loneliness Will NOT last forever.

Just KEEP WORKING and Keep a Song in Your Heart.

Everything Will Be All Right.

I Promise.

10-10-07 Frozen in Time

It's suddenly cold outside. And everything seems stuck and still.

My son's therapy has been canceled until they find new staff for him. The other wonderful staff that we had that he was making so much progress with had to quit because the company could not find her enough hours. There was an anxious week for Aric of on and off, one day he would have school all day, next he would be taken home for therapy---it was confusing for him and his behaviors showed it. I have told them not to start again until they can begin full time.

My garage is finished except for the last 6 boxes---and the rest of my house is running like clockwork. I have a mail system that eliminates junk mail As Soon as it enters the door--same goes for the hundreds of papers from 2 schools. I am doing my dishes as I eat the meals and keeping up with laundry---while digging into the pile I found in the garage. The last thing to really finish is my studio.

It's the last part of my organization. There's not that much left to do. It's going to be beautiful and so useful when it is done.

But everytime I have some time to work on it--I freeze.

10-3-07 Organizing is Like a Giant Jigsaw Puzzle!

Okay folks, I am in the middle of the Final Phase of the Organization of the Ophoenix Household.

We did the garage last week. I will post before and after pics when I get them. Suffice it to say that the entire one car garage was shoulder high in boxes and stuff---and now I have about six boxes left to sort in there. *smiles*

In my house however, there is a TON of stuff to put away in unused cupboard and shelf space. But most of it has to be washed first. So there are clothes in my laundry room and dishes in my kitchen. Livingroom and bedrooms are steady---no messes.

Then there is my studio. There are boxes of stuff that have miscellaneous memories, art supplies and some important papers. So here is the puzzle part. I have to figure out which goes where, and in which kind of bin to put each kind of paint, pencils etc, and also figure out how to fit it all in the space that I have in a pleasing arrangement.

It's a challenge...but I am doing it.

And I found out, I may Never have to buy acrylic paints again. It seems every time I lost my paints I bought new ones---and now that they are all together---I am Stocked!

It is very strange to have all of my art supplies in one place and in boxes, labeled and ready to use. I have never had that before. I have always had to hunt for something, buy it over, or just give up because I couldn't find it.

Oh, and I donated another TON of stuff last Thursday to the Lupus Foundation. Stuff I never would have parted with before. I also have a TON of trash.

OMG, that is 3 TONS of stuff---metaphorically at least!


But this experience is enough to make a pack-rat change her ways forever!

9-29-07

Organizing is Like a Giant Jigsaw Puzzle!

Okay folks, I am in the middle of the Final Phase of the Organization of the Ophoenix Household.

We did the garage last week. I will post before and after pics when I get them. Suffice it to say that the entire one car garage was shoulder high in boxes and stuff---and now I have about six boxes left to sort in there. *smiles*

In my house however, there is a TON of stuff to put away in unused cupboard and shelf space. But most of it has to be washed first. So there are clothes in my laundry room and dishes in my kitchen. Livingroom and bedrooms are steady---no messes.

Then there is my studio. There are boxes of stuff that have miscellaneous memories, art supplies and some important papers. So here is the puzzle part. I have to figure out which goes where, and in which kind of bin to put each kind of paint, pencils etc, and also figure out how to fit it all in the space that I have in a pleasing arrangement.

It's a challenge...but I am doing it.

And I found out, I may Never have to buy acrylic paints again. It seems every time I lost my paints I bought new ones---and now that they are all together---I am Stocked!

It is very strange to have all of my art supplies in one place and in boxes, labeled and ready to use. I have never had that before. I have always had to hunt for something, buy it over, or just give up because I couldn't find it.

Oh, and I donated another TON of stuff last Thursday to the Lupus Foundation. Stuff I never would have parted with before. I also have a TON of trash.

OMG, that is 3 TONS of stuff---metaphorically at least!


But this experience is enough to make a pack-rat change her ways forever!

9-25-07 It's All About Forgiveness--REPOSTED

I felt it a good time to say this over again....





We ALL start out like the baby in this picture.

Helpless, innocent, dependent on others for food and nurturing and unable to make any choices of our own.

The things that are done to us as children help form how we act as adults.

We can change those "habits"---the coping skills we developed as a result of how the Adults around us dealt with us as children. But if we don't recognize that some of them are just that---temporary mechanisms used to deal with abusive or neglectful adults---then we might cling to these coping skills and continue to use them inappropriately throughout our lifetime.

I have been working on identifying my unnecessary coping skills for a few years now. I still have some I cling to and they rear their ugly heads from time to time and hurt people.

I can only hope that those people will forgive me.

Because I am realizing that I must forgive others for their out-dated coping skills that they cling to that rear up and hurt me sometimes too.

Doesn't mean I will continue to be subject to it--I will take measures to be self-protective.

But I forgive those who have hurt me.

Everyone started out precious.

That's what I choose to see.


I seek only to start over.

9-20-07 Peace

9-16-07 My Biz in Print

My Dungeon Designs are part of a feature in an article by Steve Lenius in the current issue of Minnesota's Lavender Magazine.

You can read it online at:

Lavender Magazine Article


It even shows a picture of one of my designs. And there is a link from there to my website.

I better finish that FemDomme dungeon Soon!

9-15-07 What makes it all Worth It.

This is a recent picture of my boys, taken a few months ago.

I am working really hard to organize things around here. Chaos is not good for kids with autism, and living an organized life is probably better for me and my teenaged son too.

But as the organizer lady keeps saying,"it gets worse before it gets better". So right now as my final coat of paint dries in my studio, I am sorting boxes all over the house to gather all my art supplies in one place. The house looks like hell came and had a party.

And the Not Going Back to School thing....That's been difficult for me. I really miss the work.

But...

The therapy Does seem to be helping Aric to communicate better--and they have only just started.

If they can bring him out a little more, and get him toilet trained---that would be Wonderful.

And Worth it All.

9-10-07 My Studio

I am covered in white paint right now.

I am painting the walls of my art space.

It's in the basement, and you can see the studs and spacers so I am doing it like Piet Mondrian's work. It will kind of have a 3D effect--and then float some pine shelving over the studs to store my art supplies in bins.

I hope it turns out as cool as I am imagining it.

I will post finished pics.

9-9-07 Digging In

I sure wish Organizing was Magic! Then it would be easy.

What I am doing is hard and dusty and full of memories of the past.

It would be nice to wave a magic wand and have closets that looked like that picture (and literally, with my wardrobe, they would look like that picture--except much more black!)

Or...maybe even have a slave or two to tease and taunt while they did the heavy stuff for me and I just laid back with a drink and a flogger and said "Toss, donate, keep".

Followed by a pizza and sex party afterward.

Mmmmm......

9-7-07 My Son's Unnecessary Trauma

Yesterday was a terrible day for my little boy.

His therapist had canceled at the last minute on Wednesday for Thursday. I had tried to call the school to tell them on Wed. but the number they had given me was incorrect.

So Thursday morning I wrote a Huge note in the Home-School communication book. It said that Aric's therapy had canceled, I would Not be picking him up early and that he was to ride the bus home.

They did not read the note.

So when I did not pick him up at 1:45, they assumed I FORGOT him.

And that is what they told the bus driver. And so the bus driver would not take him on the bus--because she said that I MIGHT NOT BE HOME to get him off the bus.

ALL of this was being discussed OPENLY in front of Aric.

So then I got a call about the time that he was supposed to be coming home saying that he was still at school since I had FORGOTTEN him.

And when I heard the woman on the phone say this, I heard Aric in the background crying---and it got louder when she said "forgotten"

My heart broke.

I went to the school to pick him up and the first thing I did when he ran over to me was take his face in my hand and look in his eyes and say "It's all right baby, mommy didn't forget you" ....and he just heaved a few more weeping sighs and stopped crying immediately and tried to smile.

Poor little guy.

I then asked the teacher and the principal who were there waiting for me (probably to read me the riot act) if they had seen the note.

The teacher suddenly looked kind of pale and said "no, I must have paged through the book too quickly"

(It's the 3rd day of school--there are 3 pages---she didn't f*cking look at the book!)

Suddenly they were all apologies and the principal was offering Aric kleenex for his tears and talking to him like he was a normal kid.

Hmmmm....

I was going to get a sitter and go to a social event last night, but Aric was so upset that I changed my plans and spent the evening at home. He must have been crying for a long time because his eyes were red and puffy for Hours after he got home.

I wish people would Understand that he can Comprehend what is being said around him. Just because he can't talk doesn't mean he doesn't know what is going on.

No kid wants to hear that his Mom FORGOT him. That's just terrible.

Would they have been that crude about it around a normal 7 year old?

9-1-07 I've Gone Pink

I dyed my hair pink today.

I needed a change.

It was gonna either be this or black.

This is More Happy

8-31-07 That's What I Want....

The Law of Attraction (The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't) by Michael J. Losier says that you should write out a list of the things you don't like about your present circumstances (body, job, relationship etc) and then make a list of what the opposite of those things are and cross out the other list as you make the new list of what you do want.

The final step is to put all of this into a list of Affirmations that will go out to the Universe to be Fulfilled.

Here is my Ideal Relationship list:

My ideal relationship will be with a man who is sociable and has an Easy *energy* to be around. He is grounded enough to care about others around him.

He is intelligent and likes to engage in conversation about diverse subjects--he is as interested in me as he is in himself.

He is an Honest Man. He is someone I can trust to have open communications with--no matter what. He is someone who can express anger in a healthy way. No worries of "landmines".

I need a Man beside me who lives in the *present moment* much of the time.

He is adventurous and brave in the face of danger. He rolls up his sleeves and does what needs to be done. He (wants) to be a father. He can look at a problem without fear until a solution is found. He is financially stable.

My Man is extremely Horny and Easily Turned-On by Sexy Women. He enjoys the Art of Seduction and Romance. He understands BDSM. He grooms himself well and enjoys dressing up for special events.

And most of all, he isn't afraid to make mistakes. Because he knows that from mistakes come learning. And a sometimes the opportunity for forgiveness.

8-30-07 I'm Just Drawn that Way

This post is dedicated to all the women who don't seem to trust me around their men.

I don't break up couples. I want to find my own guy. I won't take anyone else's.

So, to quote Jessica Rabbit:

"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"

*shrugs*


*giggles