Next Phase

After this weekend...Lots of things will be Different.

I have to say "Good-Bye" to Someone I really looked up to...someone who seemed to Leave too Early...Someone who Added a lot of Color to the World.

And....I have to say "Good-Bye" to the man who reminded me of him.

I measure Men up to my Uncle Butch. He is Handsome, Well-Groomed, Well-Spoken, Polite...But what strikes one about him After you notice all of that is the Buzzing Mischievous Energy behind his Smile...and you realize there is always something Hilarious about to pop out of that smiling mouth....and you also realize that with That Much Energy....it's probably a good thing he spends most of his day swinging a hammer.....or his Innocent Sense of Humor could turn into Trouble with a Capital T!

In fact, he is a little like Professor Harold Hill from the Music Man...Always there with the witty line....the perfect thing to say. A little sly and sarcastic from time to time....eh, Maybe. But only when the medium he is working with is Pure Honesty.

Maybe that is where I get my inclination to be the kid from the "Emperor's New Clothes" who is the only one to tell the King he is Naked. Butch has a way of stating the Obvious in a way that People who are Trying their Best to Ignore the Truth have to Face it Head On.

I know....I have been using the Present Tense...as if he is still alive. He just was when I saw him Easter weekend. It seems so unreal. And last night...even though I did not see him...he was laying dead from ALS (Lou Gehrig's) at the house he rebuilt. And in a couple days my sweet Uncle Butch will be mere ashes. And my family will be left with stories and memories.

I am also doing a Ritual. It feels a little like a funeral...but I hope in the end it will be a celebration. I am doing it with 3 friends to help me cut the ties that bind my heart to the Man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I am hoping the aching will Stop after this. This constant drain of Love pouring out of my heart into Emptiness. The constant Desire in my loins. The lump in my throat for all the "I Love You's" that I will Never get to say to Him. The tingling lips for the Unkissed Kisses. Empty Arms that want to wrap around Him and caress Him.

He was So Much like Butch. He stood up to my Measure of a Man in so many ways. That's why I invested so much....made so many changes to make the relationship work. He didn't like the way my life was arranged....so I rearranged it. It was working elegantly the way it was....But the "Appearance" of it was not to His liking. Now everything is Difficult. It would be Worth it, if there were a Relationship to work for. But now He is Gone...and his Life is the Same. My world is Completely Different, More Expensive, Extra Challenging...and I am Alone.

He wanted my Time. I couldn't stop at a store on the way to his house at night after dropping my son off....not even for gas or a pop. And he wanted my Perfection. No matter how well I dressed, or how good of a meal I cooked, or how clean my apartment was, or how many times in a row I was on time or early......He picked out the One Time I was dressed like a slob, or ruined dinner or hadn't cleaned the catbox or was Late once.

And the state of *Perfection* was Ruined.

I do my Best everyday. He told me my Best was Not Good Enough.

Ouch.

It still Hurts as much as it did the very first time he said it.

And as of this writing, I still Love Him with all of my Heart.

But Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

I am starting a New Journey

This feeling in my Gut tells me it's going to be a Good One!

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

Death Trumps Pain

My best friend from college....(1980's college...not my last round in 2007)...just had her boyfriend die this weekend. It was after a year-long bout with mesothelioma. I was surprised to hear that she was dating someone twenty years older than us when we re-connected a couple of years ago....then suddenly he was having a lung removed and having chemo.

She called last Wednesday...my night off from having Aric home with me....and needed support. She said the world had No Color. (I've been *there* before) He was in ICU dying.

I needed time off Really Badly. I had demands of me the next two days that ended up wearing me out and I am in Major Pain right now. I had to groom my son's dog, and she was over-excited and pulled the wrong way for my hip while I was carrying something in my other arm. That, and wresting her while cutting her cock-a-poo hair...just wore me down.

I also had meetings for Aric on Thurs and Friday. And I need to get my apartment cleaned of all the dog hair so I can get my shower repaired on Monday...but my HEAVY Kirby vacuum is going to Hurt. (Fibromyalgia Sucks)

But, a dying boyfriend definitely trumps my physical or emotional distress. There have been 4 people who have been So Understanding to me while I have been grieving my loss recently...and I would have been lost without them. She is one of them...and has been one of those friends that no matter how long we go between seeing each other....we always reconnect as if we were sitting back in the dorm rooms in college.

So I went over and we watched "Cheers" and ate pizza...and she showed me pictures of her boyfriend in better days.

I called her just now and she was sobbing. She was on her way to church and she said that her boyfriend had always called when she was on her way to out the door to church. But she was very glad I had called....(she said no one else had)....and by the time we were done talking she was laughing and I was smiling.

So, time to get off the heating pad that feels so good on my hip....Ice the thing and tango with the Kirby!

Affirmations

I am Beautiful

I am Powerful

I Flow with the Love of the Universe

Each Moment I give and receive Health and Love

As the Breath of the Lady and the Lord

Heals my Soul

Blessed Be.

Bittersweet Lessons

---A Love Poem---

I don't need a Shining Perfect Hero

To swoop down and Rescue me.

I have heard Tales of Daring and Adventure

And Bravado Beyond Belief...

Before.

And it just got me Chasing Dragons

Inside my own head.

I've never been Queen, nor princess.

Not for longer than a scene.

I can't Always Create my Reality

To live up to my Dreams

So Now...

I want a Man who will Take my Hand,

And walk peacefully, serene.

But I am so far from Perfection's Door

How could I ever Expect More...

Than a Man who Does His Best Each Day

And in Doing So, Shows me the Way.

Lyrics

 Longer Lashes...



I have floated high above you
Basking in adoring praise
I have stood right here beside you in so many ways

Now I hold to you the power
Do exactly as you please
Standing there so strong above me I fall to my knees.

Tethered to that black seduction, on a line of amethyst...Leather lover, my salvation is drowning in your amber kiss....I only wish...for

Longer lashes, loving lashes, falling down on me like rain.

Longer lashes, loving lashes,
you make me feel again.

Take me gently, bind me tightly as I'm calling out your name.
Shove me harder to excite me, it's our little game.

If you show me tender mercy, I will only beg for more.
Now I know you won't desert me right down to my core...

I can taste that sweet-sick place where flesh and lust and maggots feed.
Don't you waste it with your haste now, slowly lover, make me bleed...cause all I need...is

Longer lashes, loving lashes, falling down on me like rain.

Longer lashes, loving lashes,
you make me feel again.

Tethered to that black seduction, on a line of amethyst...Leather lover, my salvation is drowning in your amber kiss...

I can taste that sweet-sick place where flesh and lust and maggots feed.
Don't you waste it with your haste now, slowly lover, make me bleed..
.cause all I need..

A song by Linda Ophoenix  Copyright 1996

Grateful

Just sitting here, warm from the cold, my hunger fed and my loved ones safe and happy around me....I was Overcome with Gratefulness.

I let it *Flow* through me and sent it out as a prayer and a post to the world. First I typed out a message on Facebook, then I enjoyed moment of deep breathing that floated like a prayer to the heavens of my mind.

*Peace* to the World

I am So Blessed