All Together Now

I have a Wise Cousin, named Bernie.  He quite aptly and succinctly summed up Why my autistic son was so affected by my last relationship.

He said that when my ex did not share the love and affection that he was showing to me in front of Aric, With Aric....my boy reasoned that he was losing me.   Since the boyfriend was not Participating in a Family-type relationship, a huge part of my Life was Off-Limits to my son.

So he reacted with the only tool in his toolbox that he KNOWS will get Results...Aggression.

It was That Primal to him.

And it makes me feel ill to think I had to put him through that to Learn the things I needed to Learn.

Yesterday morning, I kept him home later in the morning, because his big brother had stayed late making modeling clay figures the night before with him...and my son not only kept dry all night (for a month now--no diaper!)  but also rode from Mpls to Lakeville in the front seat with NO NOISES.  That means no stimming, or autistic hooting, etc.  He has been working on that at the Therapy Center.  Then he rode from Lakeville to Woodbury. Again No Noises.  We talked like Adults....that was the Rule.  We played a form of "I Spy" out the window.

It was So Cool.

He is showing me his appreciation for my choice.

So....as Difficult as it may be....   (Or Not?  I am up for Easy this time, Universe.)   ....I Absolutely Have to Have a Person in my Life who is Good with my Son. 

Cuz he's The Dude, ya know?

*smiles*

Next Phase

After this weekend...Lots of things will be Different.

I have to say "Good-Bye" to Someone I really looked up to...someone who seemed to Leave too Early...Someone who Added a lot of Color to the World.

And....I have to say "Good-Bye" to the man who reminded me of him.

I measure Men up to my Uncle Butch. He is Handsome, Well-Groomed, Well-Spoken, Polite...But what strikes one about him After you notice all of that is the Buzzing Mischievous Energy behind his Smile...and you realize there is always something Hilarious about to pop out of that smiling mouth....and you also realize that with That Much Energy....it's probably a good thing he spends most of his day swinging a hammer.....or his Innocent Sense of Humor could turn into Trouble with a Capital T!

In fact, he is a little like Professor Harold Hill from the Music Man...Always there with the witty line....the perfect thing to say. A little sly and sarcastic from time to time....eh, Maybe. But only when the medium he is working with is Pure Honesty.

Maybe that is where I get my inclination to be the kid from the "Emperor's New Clothes" who is the only one to tell the King he is Naked. Butch has a way of stating the Obvious in a way that People who are Trying their Best to Ignore the Truth have to Face it Head On.

I know....I have been using the Present Tense...as if he is still alive. He just was when I saw him Easter weekend. It seems so unreal. And last night...even though I did not see him...he was laying dead from ALS (Lou Gehrig's) at the house he rebuilt. And in a couple days my sweet Uncle Butch will be mere ashes. And my family will be left with stories and memories.

I am also doing a Ritual. It feels a little like a funeral...but I hope in the end it will be a celebration. I am doing it with 3 friends to help me cut the ties that bind my heart to the Man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I am hoping the aching will Stop after this. This constant drain of Love pouring out of my heart into Emptiness. The constant Desire in my loins. The lump in my throat for all the "I Love You's" that I will Never get to say to Him. The tingling lips for the Unkissed Kisses. Empty Arms that want to wrap around Him and caress Him.

He was So Much like Butch. He stood up to my Measure of a Man in so many ways. That's why I invested so much....made so many changes to make the relationship work. He didn't like the way my life was arranged....so I rearranged it. It was working elegantly the way it was....But the "Appearance" of it was not to His liking. Now everything is Difficult. It would be Worth it, if there were a Relationship to work for. But now He is Gone...and his Life is the Same. My world is Completely Different, More Expensive, Extra Challenging...and I am Alone.

He wanted my Time. I couldn't stop at a store on the way to his house at night after dropping my son off....not even for gas or a pop. And he wanted my Perfection. No matter how well I dressed, or how good of a meal I cooked, or how clean my apartment was, or how many times in a row I was on time or early......He picked out the One Time I was dressed like a slob, or ruined dinner or hadn't cleaned the catbox or was Late once.

And the state of *Perfection* was Ruined.

I do my Best everyday. He told me my Best was Not Good Enough.

Ouch.

It still Hurts as much as it did the very first time he said it.

And as of this writing, I still Love Him with all of my Heart.

But Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

I am starting a New Journey

This feeling in my Gut tells me it's going to be a Good One!

*Bright Blessings*

Linda

Affirmations

I am Beautiful

I am Powerful

I Flow with the Love of the Universe

Each Moment I give and receive Health and Love

As the Breath of the Lady and the Lord

Heals my Soul

Blessed Be.